Charisma, more than a trait, is a set of behaviors that are easy to recognize when you see them. You may not have a word for them, but you recognize them, as they are almost impossible to miss. The same holds true for the opposite. When you see uncharismatic behaviors, you recognize them without skipping a beat.
Everyone in their careers has encountered someone who’s challenging to work with. Think of this person as someone who is constantly complaining, creating drama, or the kind of person who never listens to you and is always absorbed by their own dilemmas—so much they don’t have mind space for you.
Pause for a second here. Can you think of someone that fits the description? What do you think is challenging about them?
Of course, there are many challenges to working with someone like that, but there’s one common trait among all those challenges: these kinds of people create tense environments. They tend to lead other people to exhaustion. They can be demoralizing, exhausting, and irritating. They epitomize what I call uncharismatic behavior—i.e., a behavior that arises when someone becomes so absorbed in their own dilemma that they lose sight of the person in front of them. For people adopting this behavior, listening to others, building empathy, non-judgment, and kindness is difficult.
Opposite to this kind of people, there are the ones that we would label as highly charismatic and the kind of people everyone enjoys working with. Pause once again for a second. Can you think of someone that fits the description? What do you enjoy about them?
Once again, you might enjoy many traits about them, but there’s a golden thread: these people lift you up and make you feel good about yourself, and when in their presence, you can feel delighted. They are the kind of people that make you feel comfortable and fill every room they walk in with joy. Their kind and warm aura boosts everyone around them—making you, for a split second, think everything is possible. Ideally, these kinds of people can also make you feel seen and understood. They are inclusive and non-judgmental; you know you can safely open up with them and won’t be criticized. They are the ones everyone enjoys working with.
Charisma sets enjoyable coworkers apart from difficult ones. Whether we realize it or not, we constantly adopt behaviors that come across as charismatic or uncharismatic—our awareness of this makes the difference.
Charismatic people have internalized these behaviors so profoundly that they seem natural, but don’t be fooled; charisma can be learned. The same applies to uncharismatic behaviors—they become habitual, but they can change.
Instead of labeling people as charismatic or uncharismatic, I believe it’s more accurate to recognize that everyone exhibits and can learn both kinds of behaviors. The balance between them comes down to awareness—once you’re aware of how charisma shows up, you can consciously choose how to cultivate it.
Charisma is like the culture of a big country—rich, diverse, and ever-changing. It has many flavors and traditions that appeal to different people. For example, if you go to the South of your country, you’ll see that its traditions differ from those of the North. Same if you compare traditions from the western to the eastern part. Despite this, everyone stands together as one country. Even if it’s not easy to pinpoint why, there are always common things that unite everyone under the same identity.
Just like a country’s culture, charisma is complex because it is not a single trait but a broad spectrum of traits that share things in common. Many people can embody charismatic behaviours in many different ways; it’s up to you to decide how you want to do it. But you must keep one thing in mind: Charisma is all about how you make others feel. If you can master that, embodying charismatic behaviours will be easy for you.
Based on my experience and research, you should master three behaviors to embody charisma: establishing meaningful connections, building empathy, and radiating warmth. Let’s examine each one.
We tend to perceive people as charismatic only when they can connect with us meaningfully. Humans are naturally wired for connection. We intuitively know whether we feel connected to someone or whether an interaction feels meaningful or not.
For instance, imagine you are on a call with your manager, and they are answering messages while talking to you. You can see how their eyes move around the screen, looking at everything except you. Every time you pause and ask them something, it takes them a while before they answer—or they may even get lost in what you are saying and ask you to repeat what you just said. How would you feel in such a situation? Would you describe this interaction as highly meaningful?
If you felt your manager was not present and paying attention to you during the call, you would likely not label the interaction as highly meaningful. Additionally, you would likely not describe your manager as charismatic. As mentioned before, we tend to perceive people as charismatic only when they can connect with us meaningfully.
If you want to build charisma, start by establishing more meaningful connections. This means being present and paying attention to other people:
Focus your attention on the other person. This means that the person in front of you is the only thing that matters for a short time. There’s nothing more important than them. Put away your phone or anything that may disrupt your focus on the other person. Look at their eyes, try to recognize the other human being in front of you, and try to help them feel comfortable talking to you.
Forget about yourself and your dilemmas for a second. Being present for another person is challenging when your feelings carry you away. If you don’t feel centered, i.e., you feel stressed, anxious, or agitated. Make space for your feelings and digest them before interacting with others. This will make it easier to forget about yourself for a second and be there for the other person.
Develop a curiosity for what the other person is saying. Connecting with someone else is challenging if you don’t care about what they have to say. Learn to develop a curiosity for the person that is in front of you. For example, instead of just freely talking to someone, picture yourself as a curious interviewer, eager to understand more about the other person and ask unconventional questions that reveal their perspective and experiences. In doing so, you’ll understand more of the person’s background, and building empathy will become easier.
Connect by being vulnerable. It’s easy to hide away from the other person by merely asking questions and not sharing about yourself. Yes, sometimes, you play the role of a curious interviewer. But don’t get attached to that role. You are also another human being. Try to connect with the other by sharing how you see the world and how their experiences relate to yours—when the moment allows it. Connection is all about making the other person feel they are not alone and that you understand them—and that perhaps both of you have gone through the same.
Note: Be aware of undermining the power of connection in the work environment. Some people may feel tempted to think they can separate work from their feelings. But the reality is that it’s not easy. In fact, one of the most significant predictors of high-performing teams and good work environments is the amount and quality of connections you have at work.
Empathy means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Feel what they feel—and if that’s out of reach for you right now, at least it means acknowledging that you may not understand what they are going through, but you respect it.
Empathy is key to building meaningful connections and, ultimately, embodying charisma. Empathy brings people together and creates peace instead of division and conflict. This helps create work environments where everyone enjoys working instead of creating tense environments.
If you want to develop empathy, you need to cultivate understanding and let go of judgment. Judgment gets in the way of empathy. We judge other people because we don’t understand them enough and demand unfeasible things from them. However, we must understand that human beings are complex, and we cannot demand immediate change from them. A better approach is to understand where they are coming from and see what kind of help they need, if any.
Understand. Focus on asking questions that help you understand the other person’s perspective and refrain from judging. When you understand, empathy manifests, and you make other people feel good.
Let it breathe. Many of our conflicts arise from misunderstandings and heated arguments. If you hear something you don’t like when listening to another person, consider not addressing the issue while you are upset. Let it breathe. Sometimes, when you space your reaction, it loses its power, and you have the opportunity to see things with perspective—you could even realize you don’t understand and ask for further clarification. The key to empathy also lies in understanding your limitations.
When I think about Charisma, I think about a cup of coffee or tea. A cup of coffee irradiates heat by nature. It doesn’t have to do anything; it has the power to warm you up and make you feel cozy.
Charisma is just like that; you feel good when exposed to it. Likewise, if you can find a way to irradiate the warmth of charisma, you will make others feel good just by being present. If you establish a connection with another person or you build empathy, you are already irradiating the warmth of charism. If you want to take things to another level, you can also try to be kind and smile:
Use kind speech. Sometimes, you may prioritize direct speech over kind speech. But please keep in mind that you can also be direct while being kind; you just need to find ways to communicate in a way that is mindful of the humanity of the person in front of you; treat the other person as if they were a guest you decided to host in your house—you probably wouldn’t be rude to someone you have let into your house.
Perform small acts of kindness. Small of kindness can go a long way. They can reduce stress and improve our emotional well-being—and the well-being of others. Don’t underestimate the power of doing something good for the other person. It doesn’t have to be big—sometimes it can be as small as saying hi to someone you never say hi to, buying a cup of coffee for a co-worker, or just checking in with them.
Smile. Smile to other people, smile to yourself. In his book How to Smile, Thich Nhat Hanh states, “Sometimes joy is the cause of your smile; sometimes your smile is the cause of your joy.” Smiling relaxes you and the person in front of you. When talking to someone, always remind yourself to smile, even if it’s just a half-smile. A smile can go a long way.
Source: https://utopianengineeringsociety.substack.com/p/new-series-underrated-soft-skills